The Myth of Closure
You have been waiting to feel closed about something. Maybe you are still waiting. Here is what closure actually is, and why the version most people are looking for does not exist.
Closure is one of the most frequently sought and rarely achieved experiences in emotional life. We want it after relationships end. After someone hurts us and offers no explanation. After a loss that came without warning. After a chapter we did not choose to close.
What we are actually looking for
When people say they want closure, what they usually mean is one of a few things: they want an explanation that makes sense, they want the other person to understand the impact of what happened, they want to stop feeling the way they feel, or they want permission to move on.
None of these things are actually available through the concept of closure. And waiting for them keeps people stuck.
Why explanations often do not help
Even when you get the explanation you have been waiting for, it rarely delivers what you hoped. People who have heard the reason their relationship ended, or why someone treated them badly, often find that it does not close anything. Sometimes it opens more.
This is because what you are actually grieving is not a lack of information. You are grieving the loss of something real: a relationship, a version of your future, a belief about the world, a sense of safety. Information does not heal that. Time and processing do.
What actually helps
- Naming what you actually lost, not just what happened
- Feeling the grief rather than waiting for it to make logical sense
- Finding ways to complete the emotional experience without requiring anything from the other person
- Accepting that some endings do not come with resolutions
- Recognising that moving forward does not require feeling finished
You can carry something and still move
The expectation that you must feel closed before you are allowed to move on is one of the more quietly cruel myths we carry. Grief is not a problem to solve. You can hold the weight of something and still build a life that moves forward.
If you are sitting with something unresolved, counselling can help. Not by giving you closure, but by helping you process what is actually there. Sessions are available in Melbourne and online.
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