The Thing About Wanting to Change

You have wanted to change this for a while. Maybe a long while. You know what the change is. You can describe it clearly. You might be able to articulate exactly why it would improve your life. And yet you have not changed it.

Why this is not a willpower problem

The most persistent myth about change is that it requires willpower. That if you just wanted it badly enough, tried hard enough, held yourself to a high enough standard, the change would happen. This is both inaccurate and cruel.

Sustained behaviour change is not primarily a willpower event. It is a nervous system event. The patterns we are trying to change are often deeply encoded, associated with safety, familiarity, or emotional regulation. They do not yield to effort alone. They yield to understanding.

The role of ambivalence

Most change processes involve ambivalence: part of you wants to change, and part of you does not. The part that does not want to change is not being obstinate. It is usually trying to protect something. A familiar state. A form of control. A story about who you are.

Working against that part is inefficient. Understanding what it is protecting often opens the possibility of change that effort alone could not. This is why motivational approaches that engage ambivalence, rather than bulldozing it, tend to produce better outcomes.

Self-criticism makes change harder

Research on self-compassion and behaviour change consistently shows that harsh self-judgment increases the likelihood of the behaviour you are trying to change. The shame spiral is not a motivator. It is a destabiliser.

The person who judges themselves harshly for continuing a pattern they have identified as harmful is more likely to continue the pattern. Not because they do not care enough, but because shame and dysregulation are triggers for the behaviours that manage them.

What actually supports change

• Curiosity about the function of the current pattern rather than judgment of it
• Small experiments rather than wholesale declarations
• Support, whether relational, professional, or community-based
• Understanding your own nervous system and what conditions support your best functioning
• Compassion for the parts of you that have been managing as best they could

If you have been wanting to change something for a long time without it budging, the question worth asking is not: why can I not just do it? It is: what is this pattern for? That question is one that counselling and coaching are well positioned to explore. Stabilise is available in Melbourne and online.