Ego-Dystonic: Why Your Worst Thoughts Are Not Your Secret Self

You are standing on the platform at Flinders Street. The train is pulling in, and out of nowhere a thought arrives: what if I pushed the person in front of me? You step back. Your heart is pounding. You would never. So why did your mind just offer it?

The fact that it horrified you is the most important part.

A Thought That Feels Like Someone Else's

Ego-dystonic describes a thought, urge or feeling that clashes with who you are. It runs against your values and your sense of yourself, and it arrives feeling foreign, like a message from a stranger who happens to have your handwriting.

It is the mirror image of ego-syntonic, a pattern that feels so much like you that you would defend it in an argument. An ego-dystonic thought is the opposite. You want nothing to do with it, and you would be mortified if anyone could hear it.

Almost Everyone Has Them

Psychologists call these intrusive thoughts, and they are far more ordinary than they feel. In one large study led by the psychologist Adam Radomsky, university students in 13 countries were asked whether they had experienced an unwanted intrusive thought in the previous three months. About 94 per cent said yes. The content was often violent, sexual, blasphemous or simply bizarre, and it turned up in every country studied.

Why the Worst Thoughts Stick

If the thought means nothing, why does it hang around? Because of what you do next.

The psychologist Daniel Wegner ran a famous experiment in which people were asked not to think about a white bear for five minutes, and to ring a bell whenever it came to mind. They rang it a lot. When the instruction was lifted, the bear came back even more often than for people who had been allowed to think about it from the start. Pushing a thought away tends to keep it close.

Ego-dystonic thoughts are the ones you push hardest, precisely because they are so unlike you. Your brain notices the effort, decides the thought must be important, and serves it up again. The horror becomes the hook.

What the Distress Is Telling You

Here is the part that brings most people some relief. The distress is the evidence. A thought only feels dystonic because it collides with something you care about. The parent horrified by an image of harm is horrified because they love their child. The person who flinches at a cruel thought is someone who values kindness.

In that sense, an ego-dystonic thought is a strange kind of character reference. It shows you exactly where your values are, by bumping into them.

What Helps

• Name it. Saying to yourself, that is an intrusive thought, puts a little distance between you and it. You are noticing the thought, not obeying it.
• Let it be there. You do not have to argue with it, analyse it or prove it wrong. Thoughts tend to pass faster when they are not fought.
• Go easy on reassurance. Asking someone, or searching online, whether a thought means you are dangerous brings relief for a moment and doubt soon after. The loop tends to tighten.
• Carry on with what you were doing. Returning to the task in front of you teaches your brain that the thought did not need an emergency response.

When It Is Worth Getting Help

For most people, intrusive thoughts come and go. It is worth talking to someone if they are taking up a lot of your day, if you find yourself checking, avoiding or seeking reassurance to make them stop, or if they are getting in the way of work, sleep or relationships. That pattern can be a sign of obsessive-compulsive disorder, which is very treatable. The best supported treatment is a specific therapy called exposure and response prevention, usually delivered by a psychologist, and I am glad to help you find one.

A Realistic Expectation

You will probably never stop having strange thoughts. Nobody does. What can change is how much they rattle you. Over time, a thought that once sent you spiralling can become something you notice, label and let go of, sometimes within seconds.

None of this is a diagnosis, and it is not a substitute for individual assessment. If unwanted thoughts have been weighing on you, talking them through can take some of their weight away. Stabilise is available in Carlton, Melbourne and online.